Graduate Confessions: Love Story Part III ... Not the end.. Beautiful new begginning!

     It wasn’t till April 10^th, 2010. Charles and I were back together. It was a relationship that I didn’t trust. No one knew. He could do what ever he wanted with out me finding out. Which I believe he did.

It lasted a few months. My mom was finally okay with him and I talking again.

His parents didn’t know about me.

We wanted to go on our first date. It wasn’t super romantic or anything, but it was a big step for us. It lasted 5 hours and I didn’t get a ride home. The most painful thing to remember about this is to his family I was still just a friend. They didn’t know me, or know that he had another girlfriend.

     When I got home, he sent me this long message, of how he was upset with me. I didn’t remember doing anything. At the end of the day he told me when he is with one, he misses the other, and he broke up with me. WORST DATE OF MY LIFE!!!

     I believe I was depressed. I wasn’t myself after that. I cried a lot. Listened to depressing music, I didn’t want to do anything that reminded me of that relationship. The fact that we went to the same school, and everything didn’t help.

The beginning of senior year. I saw him, and her happy together. I ran out the lunch room in tears. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to die.

I loved him so much. And I couldn’t have him. It was so hard seeing the one you love in another persons arm. But she was happy!

     I tried dating other people. Didn’t turn out the way it should. I went out with one of my friends older brothers. We talked for awhile, but soon as I seen him in person, it was over. I was back to my depressing self. Charles tried to talk to me. About getting back together but I wasn’t going.  I wanted to tell Mickela so bad, I just didn’t know how. He put a message on facebook, about me and him talking, and she broke up with him. I called her, and I told her the truth. He talked about getting back together with me, but I had no intentions of  repeating junior year.

     For the first time in a year, him and I had no communication for a month and a half. It was hard ignoring him. I didn’t hate him. He went to one of my friends, to get to me. Before I knew it he broke up with Mickela once again. He came to me. We probably talked twice during this time. I told him no, and nothing would change. I wasn’t getting back together with him. We would cry on the phone together. I couldn’t lie to him, I told him I love him, but I love myself more. On special conditions we got back together.

SPECIAL CONDITIONS:

1.      No one could, unless we both were ready to make thing public!

2.      I had to meet his family!

3.      He couldn’t be all over Mickela!

We got back together December 6^th, 2010!!! 

     In February things got more serious between us. Valentines day, I had to work so we couldn’t be together. So the weekend was ours. Lets just say it was weird, and awkward.

     A couple weeks later I was suppose to go over his house, and I couldn’t make it. He sent a text to me that was meant for his mom saying. “Lauren can’t come over, can Mickela?”

I called him cursed him out. 2 hours later we were back together.

With the help of both our moms, we decided to make out relationship public. It was weird but I was happy.

Even with Mickela knowing, it didn’t stop her from making out with him on the 4^th flr of our school, then she told me 3days before Charles and I birthday… I was devastated. I didn’t go to school the next day. Once again I was depressed. I talked to her, and I told her that it was karma, for what I did to her last year. I found a lot of things about my boyfriend. And it was all very painful stuff. My 18^th birthday was ruined!

I made Charles suffer with me in emotions for two weeks. Before I forgave him.

 For the past 6 months, we have been really happy. Everything has been peachy. We went on prom, and he came to my graduation! Majority of my family loves him, and I met just about everyone worth meeting in his family!

There are some days, like today that I think back to the older days. And I don’t know how I stuck around. For anyone reading this or for anyone who has been through this, or is going through this… You always have to remember a few things, How much you are worth, What will you do for love, and do you really love the person the person you are going through this with. There are times when I feel like I deserve better, but I know I am not perfect. I would do anything for Charles, and I love him so much!

  

GradConfession #1: Middle School Part I

     Before I even start going into the whole high school experience of my life. I think it’s important to backtrack a little, and go into the last year of my middle school experience, at least what I remember of it.

I hated middle school. I was a loser, and there was no point of trying to fit in at school, because that was something that would never happen. I would get made fun of, and called names, and friends were a foreign word in my life.

Like now, back then I was really chubby! (Thank God military school showed me a few tricks to work on that!)

Going to an all African American middle school, in an African American community sucked balls!

I always felt like I had to fit this stereotype. I had to wear tight clothes, and dance, and speak a certain way. Even though I’m only 13 I had to know all the boys that were older than me and I had to have a boyfriend that went to the worst school in the neighborhood.

I also had to know who the gang bangers were, and what color not to wear. It was all very unnecessary.

     Even to this day I would say I didn’t have a style. However majority of my middle school wardrobe was very much tomboyish! I wore black dickies and a white polo everyday while the other girls wore a tight fitting white shirt and black jeans.

The couple of girls I was ok with, soon abandoned me to be with the other more popular girls. I can’t blame them now that I think back on it. I was comfortable not wanting more out of middle school, while they desired popularity! At least when everyone was making fun of me they didn’t join in!

In the beginning of middle school, I wanted to feel accepted; I wanted to fit in so much.

But when this dream wasn’t becoming a reality I made it my virtual reality. I would go on networking sites, and make myself become this person who I wanted to be! I could be skinny, light skinned, long hair, and older! I could tell any body anything and they would have to believe me. Eventually I lost myself, and eventually I believed I was the person I created. I talked to mainly guys. It was the attention I never had and I loved it.

Even though this life felt real, at the end of each day when I logged off my computer, I knew that it wasn’t real. When guys wanted to meet this perfect girl, it started with phone conversations. I really felt amazing when guys started asking for my number. I only talked to about 3 guys over the phone. One guy really stood out to me. He was amazingly cute on his profile pic, and he had a different conversation, than I was use to hearing from guys his age on the phone. He, like the others fell for who I was pretending to be. But my conscious started kicking in the more we talked. I told him only half the truth. Little things, like “I’m really not that skinny girl in the pic, and my hair isn’t that long. I’m not light skinned either!” He was happy I told him what he believed was the whole truth, and he still wanted a relationship. He had no clue that I was still in middle school, and only 13, where as he was in high school and 16.

   Three months of phone conversations and instant messaging and he wanted to meet.

Now, I am a very smart girl, and through out my blogs, you will see that. I just have terrible judgment when it comes to love, and guys. I went to a boys and girls club, and we were always taught to be safe on the Internet, and never to meet someone you met online in person!

But I did it anyways!

     He met me near my boys and girls club, where he thought I worked!

He called me and told me he was outside, and I left the boys and girls club! Older teens did it all the time. So when I walked out, the lady at the desk was use to kids coming in and out all day.

     We walked around the neighborhood, and I felt safe and terrified at the same time. Only because there were lots of people out that knew me, and because there was lots of people out that knew me. If I was to come up missing or something, someone would be able to say, “This is who she was with at this time!” but if someone was to mention where I went to school, my age or grade, he would never talk to me again! Not to mention my mother worked right across the street as well! We went into the library. It was quiet! So if I should need to scream, who wouldn’t hear me?!!

He wanted to make out, and I never been kissed before. I had no clue WTF I was doing!
Thus the reason I currently do not like tongue kissing! (Sorry Snuggle bunny!)

When he left I went back to the boys and girls club like nothing happened.

I emailed an older friend (Like in her 20’s) about what happened. She was a mentor and my parents knew her and trusted her. Where I went wrong and got caught was when I emailed her off my mother’s phone, about the experience and forgot to sign off!

Two days later, I was sleep on the couch. I had a dream that him and I were on a train. But on different carts.  His cart was going off a cliff. He called for me to grab his hand.

I reach for him. But I couldn’t hold on. When I woke up, I was crying.

My parents and sister sat on the other couch. They asked me multiple questions and I lied my ass off. Then they showed me phone records, and emails that I sent. It was all down hill from there.

     I lost my families respect and trust; I put multiple children lives in danger. People didn’t look at me the same. Not even the staff at the boys and girls club! I seriously sparked a whole meeting at that club on security and internet safety!