Graduate Confessions: Love Story Part III ... Not the end.. Beautiful new begginning!

     It wasn’t till April 10^th, 2010. Charles and I were back together. It was a relationship that I didn’t trust. No one knew. He could do what ever he wanted with out me finding out. Which I believe he did.

It lasted a few months. My mom was finally okay with him and I talking again.

His parents didn’t know about me.

We wanted to go on our first date. It wasn’t super romantic or anything, but it was a big step for us. It lasted 5 hours and I didn’t get a ride home. The most painful thing to remember about this is to his family I was still just a friend. They didn’t know me, or know that he had another girlfriend.

     When I got home, he sent me this long message, of how he was upset with me. I didn’t remember doing anything. At the end of the day he told me when he is with one, he misses the other, and he broke up with me. WORST DATE OF MY LIFE!!!

     I believe I was depressed. I wasn’t myself after that. I cried a lot. Listened to depressing music, I didn’t want to do anything that reminded me of that relationship. The fact that we went to the same school, and everything didn’t help.

The beginning of senior year. I saw him, and her happy together. I ran out the lunch room in tears. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to die.

I loved him so much. And I couldn’t have him. It was so hard seeing the one you love in another persons arm. But she was happy!

     I tried dating other people. Didn’t turn out the way it should. I went out with one of my friends older brothers. We talked for awhile, but soon as I seen him in person, it was over. I was back to my depressing self. Charles tried to talk to me. About getting back together but I wasn’t going.  I wanted to tell Mickela so bad, I just didn’t know how. He put a message on facebook, about me and him talking, and she broke up with him. I called her, and I told her the truth. He talked about getting back together with me, but I had no intentions of  repeating junior year.

     For the first time in a year, him and I had no communication for a month and a half. It was hard ignoring him. I didn’t hate him. He went to one of my friends, to get to me. Before I knew it he broke up with Mickela once again. He came to me. We probably talked twice during this time. I told him no, and nothing would change. I wasn’t getting back together with him. We would cry on the phone together. I couldn’t lie to him, I told him I love him, but I love myself more. On special conditions we got back together.

SPECIAL CONDITIONS:

1.      No one could, unless we both were ready to make thing public!

2.      I had to meet his family!

3.      He couldn’t be all over Mickela!

We got back together December 6^th, 2010!!! 

     In February things got more serious between us. Valentines day, I had to work so we couldn’t be together. So the weekend was ours. Lets just say it was weird, and awkward.

     A couple weeks later I was suppose to go over his house, and I couldn’t make it. He sent a text to me that was meant for his mom saying. “Lauren can’t come over, can Mickela?”

I called him cursed him out. 2 hours later we were back together.

With the help of both our moms, we decided to make out relationship public. It was weird but I was happy.

Even with Mickela knowing, it didn’t stop her from making out with him on the 4^th flr of our school, then she told me 3days before Charles and I birthday… I was devastated. I didn’t go to school the next day. Once again I was depressed. I talked to her, and I told her that it was karma, for what I did to her last year. I found a lot of things about my boyfriend. And it was all very painful stuff. My 18^th birthday was ruined!

I made Charles suffer with me in emotions for two weeks. Before I forgave him.

 For the past 6 months, we have been really happy. Everything has been peachy. We went on prom, and he came to my graduation! Majority of my family loves him, and I met just about everyone worth meeting in his family!

There are some days, like today that I think back to the older days. And I don’t know how I stuck around. For anyone reading this or for anyone who has been through this, or is going through this… You always have to remember a few things, How much you are worth, What will you do for love, and do you really love the person the person you are going through this with. There are times when I feel like I deserve better, but I know I am not perfect. I would do anything for Charles, and I love him so much!

  

Graduate Confessions: Love Story Part II

     Early on in junior year, Charles and I talked more, flirted more, and our innocent friendship became a dangerous romance. I felt terrible about how much I liked him. I was cheated on before, it is the worst feeling. Especially when you find out, and the guy or other people involved have no intentions of telling you.

     I go to my mom for everything. She met Charles before at my birthday party, but didn’t remember him. I talked about this guy every night to her. She was the best person to talk to. My mom and me were talking about relationships in general. She told me, “At your age, boys and girls aren’t meant to be in committed relationships, just date people.”

Ironically that night Charles asked me if I would be girlfriend number 2! I told him,” I won’t go out with out. But we can test the water.” He responded “So TECHNICALLY you’re my girlfriend!” 

     Charles and I didn’t kiss or anything, just exchanged flirty text messages.

One day I get a call from Mickela. She was pissed. Charles told her everything… I was very confused of why. He had this thing that maybe if he told her everything would be okay… WRONG!!! I explained to her that he asked me out. I told her what my mother told me about teenagers and dating, and assured her that we never even been on a date, or kissed.

She wasn’t happy, but she did understand.

     It wasn’t for another few months that she called me up again mad. A few months before my 17^th birthday. Him and I wanted to hang out, and she said she didn’t trust us. Which I totally understand. I told her that I told him to invite her along, and we could go out with a group of friends.

     I wanted so bad out of this emotional relationship with Charles. But he wasn’t letting go. Emotionally neither was I. Charles wasn’t making this our low-key relationship very low. So we wouldn’t talk much or even look at each other during the school day.  We only had a few moments together in the morning, it was then when he and I first kissed. AGAINST MY WILL I MIGHT ADD!!!

     I got a phone call a few weeks later. Charles once again told her everything. It was more to tell this time though. I told her the truth. I like him, and I wanted to be with him. Of course she was upset, and he was silent. The situation could have turned violent, if he didn’t tell me, while all of us were on the phone, that he rather stay with her. I wasn’t happy. When I think back on it I acted rather childish to them both. Charles tried to keep the flame going, but I wasn’t going. Him and I would get into arguments, and the first one since the conversation ended with him calling me a bitch. I was hurt more. After that we normally would get into arguments, going back and forth yelling at each other calling each other bitches.

     January 21, 2010, I got a text message from him saying. “We can finally be together now.” I was so confused. He explained to me he broke up with her. Then he asked me out. I said yes! We didn’t want to make it known so soon though. I would stay at school late. Charles would walk me to the bus stop. My favorite memory of the old days of Charles and I relationship, was when he was walking be to the bus, and he left. Then he ran back, and he looked me in the eyes. And told me he loved me. (I saw Jonas Brothers Live. Their song “WHEN YOU LOOK ME IN THE EYES” reminds me of this moment every time I hear it!) I will never forget that moment. Mickela, walked around the school depressed. I knew why... and I felt like it was my fault. She wanted to talk to him, one day before class. I told him to hurry up and tell me how it went.

Right before I walked into my first period class. His face was indescribable. “So how did it go?” I asked him. “I got back together with her.” He said.

I put my head down, and went into the class room. I was disappointed; I didn’t know what to do.

     We continued to mess around though. We got together again in February like the first time it lasted briefly.

     My 17^th birthday, in March. They were throwing a party. Charles and I were both going. I’m not sure about him, but I wish I could have spent it with him. It was the first year I wasn’t having a birthday party. But it was the day before spring break, and the school was throwing a party.

Charles and I danced up until his girlfriend got there.

I felt like he was to close to me, and disrespecting his girlfriend. He had no clue how happy he made her. For him to just do it in her face was so wrong. I told him not to talk to me again. He walked away. It was hard to see him go like that. He had no clue, how happy he made me.

     When I got home, I called him and told him sorry if I ruined his birthday. He told me about the conversation that happened in the car on the way of dropping his girlfriend off. It wasn’t pretty, and had my name all over it.

    

I told my mom about the situation and she hated me for it. My parents told me that karma would come back for me. I laughed. I told them, that this isn’t something I could be punished for, so I didn’t care. The next day I text Charles in the morning. Telling him how happy I was, we were back together. I went out with my sister. I was wondering why he wasn’t talking to me much.

     I got home did the laundry. And went to sleep. I woke up to an angry message from Mickela threatening my life. I called the number back, which was his.

They were still together. And she was right I was a bitch. But I didn’t know they were still together.

      I was mad at him but I wanted to live more than anything. I talked to my step dad. He said just try to call the girl and reason with her. I begged him not to tell my mom who was pretending to sleep, but listening in the other room.

    The next morning, my mom searched every where trying to get Mickela’s number so she could fight me. I didn’t want to fight her. My mom talked to Mickela’s mom and I cried my ass off apologizing. I didn’t want to fight her. I didn’t want to hurt her. Being cheated on, is the worst feeling in the world. We both were played!

Graduate Confessions: Love Story Part I

• This week ... this summer has been the worst summer of my life. I graduated, slowly but surely getting use to adulthood. I lost an amazing friend; I got a job, and then quit a day later and my boyfriend has left for a job in Michigan for two weeks and a few days.

He leaving for a couple of weeks is probably the second to worst on my list of terrible things to happen this summer. I can say I truly love this kid! He’s my best friend, and even though we can irritate each other … A LOT... Sometimes, I can’t see myself with anyone else.

Charles and I have been through a lot the past three years. Sweetie if you ever read this, this is the last time I’m ever going to mention this again. I want us to forgive and forget. Even though it may feel impossible, it is very possible to move forward in life.

With all that being said this is Love Story Part ONE!!!

     I was a sophomore in high school, meaning I had to be about 15 years old.

My school was new, and we just got 150 new students. Some of them and I hit it off immediately, others It took awhile for me to get to know.  Of the first new freshmen that I met was a girl names Mickela. She looked almost like me, just a bit taller. She seemed nice, and eager to make new friends. Now Mickela and I talked through out the year never on the phone or anything, just hi and bye, at school, or on the way home.

      It was one day at school, I was on my way to lunch and before walking into the lunch room, I stopped. Because I believe I saw someone that could possibly change my life forever. But this some one was Mickela’s.

I never saw him before around the school.

I said hi to them both and walked into the lunch room.

     When I say, I wondered for weeks, how she got him, I really did. I was Jealous, and I wanted him.

I herd that they broke up one day and, I went back and forth in my head wondering if I should ask Mickela if it was alright if I asked him out. Before I knew it they were back together.

     I saw Mickela kiss one of my exes on the cheek one day. Nothing serious, just jokingly. I told her, “If you take josh, I’ll steal Charles from you.” I was joking back then though.

     I wasn’t a very forward girl; I had only had a couple boyfriends in life at this point, and I would never make the first move. Charles hadn’t even noticed me. So I’m getting my hopes up for nothing.

    My last relationship was with this girl, who was my first girlfriend. I was very confused. She got with me, then when she realized I wasn’t sexually active, she broke up with me. Three days later, we got back together, a day later she broke up with me. Then she moved to México.

     All I had to really remember this girl was pictures of her in the yearbook. I was standing at the security desk, with my ex, Charles and a yearbook. I pointed her out to the guys. “This is my ex girlfriend.”  I said pointing to the cute chubby Hispanic in the volleyball uniform.

Charles was the first to speak. “You like fat bitches?” “She’s not fat!” I responded. That was probably the first conversation we had. He signed my yearbook “Fat bitches.”

     My birthday was coming up. I was Turing 16! I believed I invited the entire school. My invite was music CD’s with me talking inviting people.

Unfortunately I made over 140 CD’s and only 10 people from my school came.

During the planning faze, I found out that Charles and I shared the same birthday! It was funny to me, and I honestly didn’t believe him at first till I saw his state ID card.

     When he came to the party that was probably the best gift ever. He was so delicious looking! He chased me around trying to put cake on my face, and at this point our friendship was really innocent.

   I went to school, and told my guy friend Kamon that I really like Charles, and joked that I think he only liked me for my body. I didn’t realize how much guys talk. But Kamon found out that Charles liked me too. When I talked to Charles, we never really confirmed that we both liked each other. But things did change.

     Our conversations were very different. There was more flirting. And as much as I wanted to I knew it wasn’t right. There would be days I played along, and other days I reminded him of his girlfriend. Sophomore year ended and over the summer him and I got a little closer. We never visited each other, but I was always there for him when he needed to talk, and he was available to talk as long as his girlfriend wasn’t around. I new I was the other girl. And It did upset me, but I loved this attention, I wasn’t use to getting. And He made me feel special.

Grad Confession #2: Middle School Part II

(Sorry I haven’t posted in two days!!! In the past two days I have been very busy trying to find a job! I’m sure no one missed me!)

    So in middle school, mid way through the year, I felt like my class mates hated me, my parents didn’t trust me. I had no place to really turn. But I always had music. The trusted adult mentioned in “Grad Confession #1: Middle School Part I” was an instructor at the boys and girls club I went to. She was fired by that time anyways. My parents liked that was so into music, and she was my first vocal coach. When she found out that I guess I possessed some type of talent in performing arts, she took me under her wing. Then I became apart of her musical group. We traveled the city singing, rapping, spoken word, just performing anywhere we could. I spent my weekends with her and the group. During the day we performed, and at night we wrote, recorded!

     Music is something that means a lot to me. I love it. SERIOUSLY!! I HAVE A BIG ASS TATTOO ON MY RIGHT ARM DEDICATED TO MUSIC!!!  It was always something I could escape into.

 <<<<<< ME GETTING BIG ASS TATTOO!!!

     Now that trusted adult was really in her early 20’s, and a struggling musician. People let their children spend every night of the weekend with her not knowing how much freedom she gave to the teens of the group.

    After my parents found out she did not immediately tell them about my internet boyfriend they allowed me to do one more show with her, then I saw her graduation, and I never saw her again in life. She always emailed me trying to get the group back up, but its not going to happen, or be the same.

 With that being said, all my musical talents went to waste I feel. I had no gigs, no mentor, if I wrote a song; I was writing for my health it was pointless. 

     In middle school, through out the year, you apply to high school. I wanted to go every where but that school, where all the gang bangers went, and the school where kids get shot for looking around the corner. I got accepted into a performing arts school. Which I was beyond excited about but my parents wouldn’t let me, because it was too far.

     Even though I was able to take the big test, I didn’t score high enough to get into a selective enrollment school. I started feeling like hope was lost. I wasn’t getting into any schools I applied for, and the performing arts school was too far.

 

     My counselor came into my classroom, (The Only 8^th grade class in the building!) and announced a knew school opening down the street but it was a military school. I completely disregarded that entire announcement!

When I went home, I told my mother, and I remember saying. “It’s a new military school opening, but I don’t want to go to military school!” She said, “Ok” and that was that.

     Two weeks later I get called into the counselor’s office. Mr. K said, “I talked to your mother about that military school, she’s going to make you apply!” At that point I cursed that man out! All he said was “Sorry I didn’t know.” I left that office thinking of things to tell my mom, so she wouldn’t make me apply.

When I got home, she was more upset I didn’t tell her about the school. Which I totally did!!! A few weeks later, I had to go to an interview for this school. I tried to sabotage it by acting up… I was madder than the Mad Hatter!!! I laughed uncontrollably, and repeated things more than once to myself out loud, it was crazy… The Messed up part was I still got into the school.

     Graduation day, I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad. I was pissed off. I was in a Mexican ass outfit, with shoes I couldn’t even walk in. I wasn’t going to miss any of these people. While everyone was crying, I just couldn’t wait to never be in that building again. I hated every part of middle school. I don’t even like looking at my diploma!!! It’s easier to write about this stuff, but never ask me in person!!!

GradConfession #1: Middle School Part I

     Before I even start going into the whole high school experience of my life. I think it’s important to backtrack a little, and go into the last year of my middle school experience, at least what I remember of it.

I hated middle school. I was a loser, and there was no point of trying to fit in at school, because that was something that would never happen. I would get made fun of, and called names, and friends were a foreign word in my life.

Like now, back then I was really chubby! (Thank God military school showed me a few tricks to work on that!)

Going to an all African American middle school, in an African American community sucked balls!

I always felt like I had to fit this stereotype. I had to wear tight clothes, and dance, and speak a certain way. Even though I’m only 13 I had to know all the boys that were older than me and I had to have a boyfriend that went to the worst school in the neighborhood.

I also had to know who the gang bangers were, and what color not to wear. It was all very unnecessary.

     Even to this day I would say I didn’t have a style. However majority of my middle school wardrobe was very much tomboyish! I wore black dickies and a white polo everyday while the other girls wore a tight fitting white shirt and black jeans.

The couple of girls I was ok with, soon abandoned me to be with the other more popular girls. I can’t blame them now that I think back on it. I was comfortable not wanting more out of middle school, while they desired popularity! At least when everyone was making fun of me they didn’t join in!

In the beginning of middle school, I wanted to feel accepted; I wanted to fit in so much.

But when this dream wasn’t becoming a reality I made it my virtual reality. I would go on networking sites, and make myself become this person who I wanted to be! I could be skinny, light skinned, long hair, and older! I could tell any body anything and they would have to believe me. Eventually I lost myself, and eventually I believed I was the person I created. I talked to mainly guys. It was the attention I never had and I loved it.

Even though this life felt real, at the end of each day when I logged off my computer, I knew that it wasn’t real. When guys wanted to meet this perfect girl, it started with phone conversations. I really felt amazing when guys started asking for my number. I only talked to about 3 guys over the phone. One guy really stood out to me. He was amazingly cute on his profile pic, and he had a different conversation, than I was use to hearing from guys his age on the phone. He, like the others fell for who I was pretending to be. But my conscious started kicking in the more we talked. I told him only half the truth. Little things, like “I’m really not that skinny girl in the pic, and my hair isn’t that long. I’m not light skinned either!” He was happy I told him what he believed was the whole truth, and he still wanted a relationship. He had no clue that I was still in middle school, and only 13, where as he was in high school and 16.

   Three months of phone conversations and instant messaging and he wanted to meet.

Now, I am a very smart girl, and through out my blogs, you will see that. I just have terrible judgment when it comes to love, and guys. I went to a boys and girls club, and we were always taught to be safe on the Internet, and never to meet someone you met online in person!

But I did it anyways!

     He met me near my boys and girls club, where he thought I worked!

He called me and told me he was outside, and I left the boys and girls club! Older teens did it all the time. So when I walked out, the lady at the desk was use to kids coming in and out all day.

     We walked around the neighborhood, and I felt safe and terrified at the same time. Only because there were lots of people out that knew me, and because there was lots of people out that knew me. If I was to come up missing or something, someone would be able to say, “This is who she was with at this time!” but if someone was to mention where I went to school, my age or grade, he would never talk to me again! Not to mention my mother worked right across the street as well! We went into the library. It was quiet! So if I should need to scream, who wouldn’t hear me?!!

He wanted to make out, and I never been kissed before. I had no clue WTF I was doing!
Thus the reason I currently do not like tongue kissing! (Sorry Snuggle bunny!)

When he left I went back to the boys and girls club like nothing happened.

I emailed an older friend (Like in her 20’s) about what happened. She was a mentor and my parents knew her and trusted her. Where I went wrong and got caught was when I emailed her off my mother’s phone, about the experience and forgot to sign off!

Two days later, I was sleep on the couch. I had a dream that him and I were on a train. But on different carts.  His cart was going off a cliff. He called for me to grab his hand.

I reach for him. But I couldn’t hold on. When I woke up, I was crying.

My parents and sister sat on the other couch. They asked me multiple questions and I lied my ass off. Then they showed me phone records, and emails that I sent. It was all down hill from there.

     I lost my families respect and trust; I put multiple children lives in danger. People didn’t look at me the same. Not even the staff at the boys and girls club! I seriously sparked a whole meeting at that club on security and internet safety!

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Hey, I’m Lauren-Marie Taylor. I am 18 years old, and a recent grad of the first Marine Corps public high school in the nation. I enjoy singing… something I should mention I am not good at. I enjoy dancing and parties... something else I am not good at. However writing will always be on of my first loves, and even though I am not good at it, I will continue to always write. I would hope to one day write a novel. But I figure I should probably start small. I thought about writing about my high school experience would be a good topic, that would allow room for elaboration, it would also show how things go from being a game, to real life in a matter of four years. In the past four years I have experienced: success, failure, love, peer pressure, sexual confusion, family issues, and just about every issues a guy could bring to your life, friendship, and friend loss. And I am very sure more than that. I want to let you guys know that I am not a professional writer. I simply use writing as an outlet. So please be cautious! I make grammatical errors, and I am not perfect. Hopefully I gain writing skills that will better me so this whole writing thing will become something I can truly get into.

I would like to thank a couple people who I know will be my biggest fans.

My lovely sister Lori and my amazing boyfriend Charles! I love them both, and I know that

they will always be there for me and support me!

Peace and Love

- Lauren